BillLindau
BillLindau'The Toad and the Green Dog'
Lyrics
Folk, moderato
words and music by Bill Lindau
Copyright 2006 Betsybill Productions
First stanza:
I was tramping through the woods with my pretty green dog
when we met a crying toad by a tree.
"I used to be young and pretty, too," she sighed,
"Till a troll put a curse on me.
"He sells all my eggs for gourmet food,
charging half the price of a farm.
Please help me, sir, and save all my brood.
Set us free from the troll's evil charm."
Second stanza:
She told of a wizard named Elsingong
We went into his cave
He showed us his garden and his library vast
He said, "For a price I'll right your wrongs.
"I'll save our sticky-tongued friend from the nasty troll
for a puppy by your pretty green dog."
I cried, "Don't you see? This dog is a he
That toad will never leave this bog."
Third stanza:
"Don't talk like that," said the gnarly old sage,
"When you save her you'll pay me in full."
"But how?" I said, "When you know right well
You can't get any calves from a bull."
He ground up some herbs and he gave me a book
He said, "Read it from cover to cover"
Then he grinned at us both with a wrinkly-eyed look
And he said, "She'll make one of you a lover."
Fourth stanza:
I took his things with a heart full of glee
I went back with my pretty green dog
I said to the toad, "I will save you, my sweet
I will take you for good from the bog."
My dog wagged his tail and licked the toad's head
But suddenly he barked up a storm
For up stepped the troll with a musket full of lead
Crying "I'll feed you all to the worms."
Fifth stanza:
I poured out the wizard's dust before the troll could shoot
Cov'ring him from head to toe
He vanished in a cloud, spewing ashes and soot
So hot I thought we would roast
When the roar died down and I opened my eyes
the troll was nowhere to be seen
but in his place came a tiny housefly
and the toad was still a toad beside a tree.
Sixth stanza:
She opened her mouth, she shot out her tongue
and gobbled up the evil troll-fly
She told mus both, "Shut your eyes once again
and we'll leave this dread wood bye and bye."
I thought, "Oh, joy, my love's for real"
Then the toad said, "You can look at me now."
I held out my arms but instead of a gal
I was holding another green dog.
Seventh stanza:
Now my dog has found himself a mate
She was the one zapping flies in the swamp
The wizard said, "You should appreciate
That for my pay I can wait a few more months."
So five months later she became a mom
The wizard had his pick of the litter
She had five little pups, all as cute as they come
and as green as the emeralds all a-glitter.
Out of the mouths of babes (teenage ones, that is)
In the spring of 2006 I worked as a reader for a company that assesses special tests from public schools in certain states.
Specifically, our tests came from high-school students in the Deep South. They had to write a one- to two-page essay on the most difficult chores or jobs they did and how they did them.
Many of the comments resulted in some unintended humor or unexpectedly made a lot of sense. Here are some examples:
* One girl wrote in her essay on babysitting triplets -- identical twin brothers and a girl. The writer said the girl was always on the move. "She had not learned to walk yet, (but) her hands and knees carried her faster than the other two of the trio."
* Another essay on babysitting toddlers: "All the words, 'all you can eat buffet" has a new meaning. Anything and everything within reaching distance will end up in a two-year-old's mouth. How a tennis ball can stay in someone's mouth for 30 seconds and come out looking like three hours of pooltime still has me bewildered and amazed."
* One student wrote about bathing her cat. Just as she was drawing the water the cat climbed onto the ceiling fan.
* On washing dishes: "Just seeing all that soggy food just makes me want to hurl."
* A word in a certain essay on youdoor work looked like another word to the reader: "It started raining about gays (really, 6 a.m.)."
* Shame on you, Frodo! "Our family expressed a bad hobbit...."
* "The carpet was puke green, and Dad just hated it."
* "When you get Windex on your toothbrush it's a very disgusting thing."
* One student writing about a cattle ranch continued to call a cow "him".
* On working on a commercial fishing boat in cold weather: "It was very dangerous because the ship would get stuck on the ice or hit an iceburger."
* "The job if find difficult cutting gass."
* The students could make up stories if they wanted to. Here's a line from one: "I was sitting at home one day, watching TV and a fag rose in the room. A small green alien appeared."
* Oaks with bad attitudes? "The tree started cracking. I knew it was about to break so I yell 'Temper'."
* "When I'm in a bad mood I want everybody else to be as miserable as me."
* "Refreshing glasses full of lemonoid."
* "We can't exist if we don't have mom."
* "Hard minds...easy minds."
* "Mad as a bobcat on a very hot sunny day."
* On babies: "They always have a lot of boogers."
* "Phesies" -- guess what word that really is
* "1/2 man"
* "(I) couldn't risk pucking in a bas mask."
* "Gagworthy"
* "Hussy puppies"
* "Big spokey house"
* "It works great on miners, streak free."
* "Wait patiently for my floor to drive."
* On construction work: "Your body feels like a train ran over it and reversed back."
* "Maintain doves around the house."
* "My mange clint"
* "Served the soaps and salads."
* "So if you like working like a dog, never sleeping, and being broke, this is the job for you."
* "Then when I had to cook the bugers, you had to set the gril, place them on there and watch them cook."
* "Fart money."
* Other misspelled words: "Chorus," "choirs" (both meaning chores); "hastle", "vaccum," "bird maneur," "shitiest," "shity."
* Bathing a dog: "He is a job. Or you can say a choir. There are lots of little choirs that can be harder in between there."
* "I thought some of the mold winked at me."
* "Playing with Wyatt is like playing with a hungry grizzly bear trapped inside a two-year-old body."
* "My mom...needed to go to the shore for some butter."
