BillLindau

Out of the mouths of babes (teenage ones, that is)

In the spring of 2006 I worked as a reader for a company that assesses special tests from public schools in certain states.
Specifically, our tests came from high-school students in the Deep South. They had to write a one- to two-page essay on the most difficult chores or jobs they did and how they did them.
Many of the comments resulted in some unintended humor or unexpectedly made a lot of sense. Here are some examples:
* One girl wrote in her essay on babysitting triplets -- identical twin brothers and a girl. The writer said the girl was always on the move. "She had not learned to walk yet, (but) her hands and knees carried her faster than the other two of the trio."
* Another essay on babysitting toddlers: "All the words, 'all you can eat buffet" has a new meaning. Anything and everything within reaching distance will end up in a two-year-old's mouth. How a tennis ball can stay in someone's mouth for 30 seconds and come out looking like three hours of pooltime still has me bewildered and amazed."
* One student wrote about bathing her cat. Just as she was drawing the water the cat climbed onto the ceiling fan.
* On washing dishes: "Just seeing all that soggy food just makes me want to hurl."
* A word in a certain essay on youdoor work looked like another word to the reader: "It started raining about gays (really, 6 a.m.)."
* Shame on you, Frodo! "Our family expressed a bad hobbit...."
* "The carpet was puke green, and Dad just hated it."
* "When you get Windex on your toothbrush it's a very disgusting thing."
* One student writing about a cattle ranch continued to call a cow "him".
* On working on a commercial fishing boat in cold weather: "It was very dangerous because the ship would get stuck on the ice or hit an iceburger."
* "The job if find difficult cutting gass."
* The students could make up stories if they wanted to. Here's a line from one: "I was sitting at home one day, watching TV and a fag rose in the room. A small green alien appeared."
* Oaks with bad attitudes? "The tree started cracking. I knew it was about to break so I yell 'Temper'."
* "When I'm in a bad mood I want everybody else to be as miserable as me."
* "Refreshing glasses full of lemonoid."
* "We can't exist if we don't have mom."
* "Hard minds...easy minds."
* "Mad as a bobcat on a very hot sunny day."
* On babies: "They always have a lot of boogers."
* "Phesies" -- guess what word that really is
* "1/2 man"
* "(I) couldn't risk pucking in a bas mask."
* "Gagworthy"
* "Hussy puppies"
* "Big spokey house"
* "It works great on miners, streak free."
* "Wait patiently for my floor to drive."
* On construction work: "Your body feels like a train ran over it and reversed back."
* "Maintain doves around the house."
* "My mange clint"
* "Served the soaps and salads."
* "So if you like working like a dog, never sleeping, and being broke, this is the job for you."
* "Then when I had to cook the bugers, you had to set the gril, place them on there and watch them cook."
* "Fart money."
* Other misspelled words: "Chorus," "choirs" (both meaning chores); "hastle", "vaccum," "bird maneur," "shitiest," "shity."
* Bathing a dog: "He is a job. Or you can say a choir. There are lots of little choirs that can be harder in between there."
* "I thought some of the mold winked at me."
* "Playing with Wyatt is like playing with a hungry grizzly bear trapped inside a two-year-old body."
* "My mom...needed to go to the shore for some butter."

posted by Bill Lindau @ 8:22 PM